Thoughts before my first munch

you can smell the nerves

I wrote this in the afternoon preceeding my first munch; whereby I arranged to meet up with a certain Viskan at the London fetish meeting, also known as a 'munch'. I think that my overcoming these initial fears proves to me my seriousness to explore this facet of myself.



When I think about it, it's actually taken me quite a very long time to get to this point, whereby I am setting off to develop this aspect of myself in the real world, rather than assume a digital daydream. It's been nothing if not difficult, and as I look back I can see that I had been fighting myself the whole way, and reluctantly, petulantly, dragged kicking and screaming towards investigating my... I still don't even really know what to call or refer to it as, my... Dominant side?

Most people like me, I imagine, start noticing these longings and desires when they're young; though they find that they do not know how to express it. Thus, their early dating attempts are filled with confusion, trying to understand how to actually have a relationship with someone and then understand where exactly these persuasions fall. Many of my early sexual experiences, my early attempts at expressing my Love for another in the form of D/s, are fraught with attempted power games and the resulting negative feedback from the second party's not understanding this language, followed by second attempts and more confusion, frustration and unconsummated desires with vanilla partners.

...though looking back I suppose it wasn't always entirely unconsummated. There have been occasions where I would get drunk enough that I could no longer hold myself back and transformed into some kind of sex-starved werewolf, waking up the following morning confused and disoriented to torn bedsheets and extremely happy-looking women...

The (mostly...) unconsummated desires accumulate over time into something far more powerful, and, like a rolling wave, guided my course without my fully realising it, from a private inner thought to the physical, or at least digital. I watched in silent terror as I began to seek out an outlet for the restlessness within me. I joined certain websites, watched certain movies, read about the experiences of others, exploring the surface of the culture, entering as I did into a world I had never expected to go, a world that both utterly terrified me and drew me in ever deeper.

For me, this was a slow and painful prospect, as with every step I took I stopped and tried to reason myself out of moving forwards in that direction, convincing myself as I tried to that this was not me, that I was acting out of character, that I was in error, and in spite of all my inner pleading it was all I could do to keep from moving towards D/s, longing for it, falling back in fits of conscience, questioning myself and my ethics, and yet still moving forward in spite of it all. Frankly, it seems, I had little choice in the matter, divided as I was by both wanting to venture outwards and desperately wanting to be 'normal'.*

But, one day you wake up, look in your wardrobe, and notice that 3/4 of your attire are the colour Black, and you finally realise that there is quite simply nowhere to run anymore.

Tonight I stand at the door at the end of this long path, and behind this door, beyond anything else, at least lie answers. Answers that pertain to some of the deepest parts of my inner self, and in light of this fact there is little I can reasonably do except open it and walk through...

needless to say, and even as I wrote this post I knew this would be the case; the evening was totally fine. Once I walked down the stairs I knew I was at home, and was instantly at ease, if not a little high on adrenaline.

...actually, I take that back. The point at which I felt I was truly at home was when a certain rather delicious miscreant ran one talon'd hand up my chest and pinched my nipple.

Finally, a place where one can pinch another's nipples without shame.

*I don't think I need to go into the details of what would happen should I be found out by my vanilla friends; indeed only now with my levels of adult privacy, my own room, living on my own, is anything like this even possible.